I am living a life that is beyond what I could have ever hoped for.
I live in a beautiful city, I am married to the kindest man I have ever met + we have a highly communicative/open/honest relationship, I have two dogs who light my life, I have a healthy baby growing in my body, I am sober - after the dark nights that I have walked through, this is truly magic.
And yet I am bombarded with darkness as of lately.
I process it by talking about it, sharing it, writing it out. My words have been riddled with a tone that tends to make others cringe, and although the response from many has been an overwhelming “wow, you said what I wished I could have said”, I have had a pile of humans who wrote to me to remind me to ‘be a little more positive’; some have had the will to let me know that my verbiage could really use a facelift; while others reached out to inform me that ‘less is more is sometimes sexy’. People are writing to me to let me know their experience and remind me that ‘hate is never a word they used’, and that they will “pray for me”. People compare their experiences and seem to be urging me to be a little quieter, make it is a little sexier and a little easier to read.
All of which I think has really helped me over the past few days settling into the truth of where I am at. All of the toxic positivity being shoved down my throat has really had the opposite desired effect on me - I do not feel lighter, or more motivated to spread a message of rainbows, I do not feel enticed to quiet my truth to make a single soul feel more at ease. No, that’s not it at all. I feel like roaring even louder, processing my fear, grief, pain, turbulence with even more vigor.
I feel like a lion - unable to hear your judgment - roaring with the most heartfelt vocals that any right-minded individual will do nothing but stand by and allow my sacred soul processing room to move. Do not interpret the divine act that I am moving through. Do not tell me how I ought to feel, how I ‘should’ roar, or that my roaring, my tapping into my truth is ‘less spiritual’, ‘less grateful’ than had I chosen to do it lightly, with more polished, accepted dialogue.
Do not tell me that my truth is not enough.
Do not stand on the sidelines and assume that because I walk a dark night because I feel an enormity of shadow that I am not connected to spirit or aligned with faith. Because I am. Oh you better believe that there is a deep fire within my soul that is connected to source on a level that is visceral for me. I am in the shadow, I am amidst the fire of my life - again - I am burning to the ground. I am whaling. I am feeling every scorching moment of this fire as it takes me down, destroys the old, and burns way for the birth of not only baby kinstlich, but Mother Kori.
Do not fuck with my process.
Do not tell me it is not divine, because it is.
Do not tell me how I ought to do it, I know on a deep + cellular level what I am doing over here. You may not like it - it may be too loud, too sharp, too messy for you, but I am at peace with my goddess, my process, my faith. Walk the other way if this mess is not divine enough for you, clear the way, don’t distract me, spirit + I have work to do.
This has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. It’s pregnancy, I am blessed to be experiencing it. I have a man by my side that would do anything for me. The baby is healthy. Do you not think I feel guilty for how I feel? If I could switch it to live the life of that “pregnancy is supposed to be” do you not think I would choose that? I would. And so would every human being that has ever been or wanted to be pregnant in all of history.
We would simply be able to conceive, fertility would not be an issue. We would have no miscarriages, stillbirths or loss of babies. No one would damn us for our very personal choices around abortion. We would have pregnancies that matched what we have been told: a mother prancing through a field of golden lilies, naturally loving every moment of the change in her body. We would have women who had perfect births that matched her birth plan, there would be no trauma. We would breastfeed or bottle feed with ease, we would have no postpartum depression, no desires to kill our babies or end our own lives. It would look like Disney made it look. We have been lied too, and when a woman such as myself feels the need to express the truth of what this is and the humans of the world sit back in righteous judgment and let me know that I’m not ‘doing it right’, or ‘‘i should be doing it in ____ way”, makes me feel less than, belittled, shamed. It makes me question my worth as a woman, and as a soon to be mother.
Lucky I am a lion and I know how to roar.
I roar for all of my sisters that have walked this path and felt her story unravel in twisted ways, in ways that looked nothing like what it was “supposed to look like”.
I roar to remind you that the gems in the darkness are divine, that feeling the shadow feelings is a god given act of self-love. You are not less than because it doesn't look “positive”, you are divine just the same.
Walk your walk dear lionesses. Roar. Roar because it is the right thing to do, roar because the goddess in you needs to yell, to scream. And a deep + humble ‘good riddance’ to the onlookers who want to silence you; your roaring triggers them not because of you, but because of something deep within themselves that longs to roar as you do.
only love -k