My mental health feels pretty balanced today. I feel good. I got up early - which has been happening for about a week now - coached 2 clients, made a delightful smoothie, went to a recovery meeting, and then hit up the gym. It was good.
I feel good, today.
Between 18-24 weeks of pregnancy they like to get you in for an ‘anatomy scan’ ultrasound where they basically take a detailed look at anatomy to ensure that all pieces are ‘in the right place’. Monday we hit our 18-week mark and so we became "eligible" to have the ultrasound.
We have opted out of a lot of screening that is offered (or rather… relentlessly pressured) to find out if the baby is “incompatible with life’, as they say. They screen for certain genetic disorders at which point the parents can make (deeply personal) decisions as to the route they would like to take with their pregnancy.
We didn't do it.
I thought I would want to, but as it turned out, I didn't. I didn't want the pressure of having to ‘play god’, I didn't want to be faced with an enormously wild decision about continuation or termination. I just didn't want it, and so we decided (after many conversations) to just let life be in control.
My older brother, Jamie was born with heart complications. He lived 3 years on this earth and ultimately made his transition to the cosmos after a surgery gone sideways. He was a gift, but he also lived a hard life. He died when I was 6 months old - I swear I remember pieces of him, and I certainly feel the depth that my Mum loved - and misses - him.
I never ever wanted children for this very reason.
I didn't want the hardship, I didn't want the pain, I didn't want to ever love something deeply and have it robbed from me. I know that pain from when my dad died, and as a young girl + young woman growing up with fear bubbling in my core, I just didn't think that I was willing to put myself in such a vulnerable position.
And now here I am, with a human growing in me that I will inevitably fall deeply in love with; I imagine I may even fall deeper in love with this human than I am with our dogs, and I’ll be honest, I fear their death daily. Every.single.day I fear they will die a horrific death in a fire, every.single.day I wonder how many days I have with them, and what will happen to me if they are taken away.
Fear doesn't rule me the way it used too, but it’s in me and it certainly tries to haunt me.
I know the deep seeded fear in my soul - the fear that tells me that ‘god takes all that I love’ - is a past trauma that plays on repeat, and yet knowing this is not enough to bust through the belief system that lays buried in the foundations of my psyche.
So here I am - baby in womb, not a clue if things will be ok, and yet somehow I am walking forward anyway, fear and all.
Anyway, we said ‘yes’ to the anatomy ultrasound - partly to know, and partly because I love anatomy and seeing it on a 4D ultrasound on a tiny human blows my mind to pieces and has me in pure states of faith. Alas, the anatomy scan was a-ok; this little alien has all fingers, toes, and organs. Alien has a heart, blood supply, a gallbladder, and sex organs. Little alien is laying in a breech position with the umbilical cord sitting posterior - all is well.
And so, we move forward with fear and trust grappling around in my mind + heart; isn't that just the very nature of life?
That’s all I want to say today.
This week I will write a post to share with you all why I do not believe in a big ‘gender reveal parties’, I will also share with you why we are not announcing the gender of this alien (and yes we do know what assigned sex this little soul has been given), and why I honestly can't stand the question “do you know what your having?”
only love - k