I feel relief today and have felt this very lovely feeling for more than a week now. I still do not feel great physically, I can not keep up to the energy levels I had pre-pregnancy, I am still craving copious amounts of salt + vinegar chips, and I am still fighting bouts of wild nausea each day. My sleep sucks, I pee 1 million times/day, I'm riding insane roller coasters of emotions - at times I feel like puking, burning a village down AND having sex all.at.the.same.time. I'm confused about how to dress this ever-expanding body, and my boobs bounce when I workout ... a sensation a small breasted human like myself has never felt, ever. I'm still lonely in a new city, and I miss coaching lots of clients and building my food business, Farmapothique. My external world has not shifted too much, and yet, I feel relief. I think the one thing that shifted for me this past week is that I am no longer at war with myself.
I can not push myself. Netflix is a very real part of my life right now. I am tired. I do not love pregnancy, and I do not need to feel bad about that - it's ok. My diet is different right now, my energy level is not the same, my sex drive is new, my raging hormones have taken over, my body is morphing into something I have never ever felt before. And it's ok.
I found myself falling deeper into my more pronounced 'yang energy ways'; I wanted to find the solution, to fix the feeling, to create the action plan that would allow me to break through this pain and find the rainbows. I just wanted to feel productive, accomplished. I wanted to feel like I was not wasting my days away like my life was actually working towards something (I do see the irony in this. What is more productive than building another human being? Logically I 'get it', but emotionally I was unable to digest this change). As I grasped for any answer possible to escape from self I found myself totally engaged in dysfunctional habits, like numbing out on Instagram - comparing my life to the lives of others, spending far too much time falling into the vortex of other humans perfect highlight reels of life. Everything in my body craved solo time, water, meditation, slowing down. But I could not accept that, it didn't feel productive enough, I couldn't see how it would bring me any further in life, it all felt so backward. My will was running riot as I tried to overrule the reality of my life, my heart, my path. I got super tired of the battle in self, and as I did, it became all to clear to me what was missing...
the divine feminine principles of yin.
What was missing was exactly what my heart was longing for, it longed to slow down, it longed to dive into the painful magic at what is happening within my life and body. My heart + body are yearning for a molasses-slow life, they are yearning to find my own path in this instinctual (and larger than life) transition, they have been longing for me to put down my phone + stop comparing my life to the overly high pressures and demands of this odd world that we live in.
All over the place, I am being bombarded with messages that tell me to hurry up, that reminds me of how quickly I 'should' return back to my 'pre-pregnancy weight'. I am watching fitness professionals at 22 weeks of pregnancy post 'pre-pregnancy' pictures with captions claiming to 'miss her old body so much', and while I totally 100% can relate to the uncomfortable feeling of a body that is morphing right before my very eyes, I can not help but wonder how healthy a message that is to share with 300K followers? Yes, feel it! But, no, do not send the message out that it is 'normal' or 'superhero' to see how fast we can 'burn the wright off and get back to our lives'. We are missing the magic, we are skipping the birth of our own selves. I am getting messages that tell me that the way I feel about pregnancy isnt right, that it's not motherly or womanly, and it's all making me feel the madness. My pregnancy app even used the words "unfortunately some women will get stretch marks" - how is that unfortunate? How is this not just a beautiful part of the initiation? I'm so confused by the messages. How are we supposed to move through the transition of pregnancy and motherhood without enduring the pain, the upheaval, the reality of stretching bodies, sagging breasts, raging hormones, the loss of who we were, the grief, the pain, the agony, the magic? Are we really supposed to rush around and just of pretend this thing isn't happening? Are we supposed to tie into a pretty little comfortable box that is easy to look at?
I can't stand it.
I have no idea what this baby in me will need when she arrives earth side, no idea at all. I see gadgets, and gizmos, and who-what's, and trinkets. I see messages that tell me alien will need nothing at all, but some love, a boob or a bottle and something warm to be wrapped in. I also see that alien needs a crip, a bassinet, a co-sleeping device, and extra bed next to my bed, and a portable comfy little "doc-it" to sleep in. What the fuck!
This is insane.
It's all too much.
This is what I do know though:
I do know that my life was made for this very moment. I know that this little soul who is living in my body right now and me, and her daddy will figure this shit out together. I know that my heart knows what it's doing. My heart tells me to swim, not to worry about the nursery right now. My heart tells me to shut off social media, Amazon registry ideas, and blog posts on "how to mother" and to get back into nature. My heart craves women, intimacy with my husband, and chips... so many chips. My heart is craving source, god, the divine more than ever before. I'm thirsty, and I am craving movement, yoga, and cuddles with the pooches.
If I can disconnect from the bombardment of societal messages, the chatter of my ego, and the loud pressure to run on the hamster wheel, and if I can simply connect into the beating of my heart I remember that I am where I am meant to be.
I remember that this child is going to be fine, and I will too find my way away again.
For 40 days I am off of IG, and I am plugged into changing, prayer, music, and time with nature.
only love, -k xoxo