I find every single cell in my body shifting right before my very consciousness, I can not place light from dark, or up from down. I am at a total loss of who I am, or where I am going. I am feeling everything with more intensity than ever before - and that's a whole lot considering that I already feel enormously deeply. I can feel emotions ebb into my space these days that are straight up not mine, I can sense other human hearts, I can feel the emotions that they are experiencing.
It's become clear to me that what I need at this time in my life is a period of intentional self incubation; I am doing far more than growing a new human in my womb, I am also becoming a new woman. This cellular recalibration commenced the moment I got sober, something in those early days kick-started a chain reaction deep in the core of my own being that began a wild process of death and rebirth at a cellular level; pregnancy has accelerated it.
For 805 days now pieces of who I thought I was have been falling by the wayside, expiring, dying.
For 805 days now new bits + pieces of information have saturated my cells, my DNA, and slowly but surely I am being born anew.
I know it sounds weird, it feels weird, but it also feels very true.
Somehow I trust this process, I am not resisting it with every fiber in my being. I am a little more willing, I am a little more awe-stricken than ever before. Some days I feel in total surrender, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude + curiosity. And other days - like today - I feel a lack of acceptance. I feel impatient, worried, and like I want to reject the fundamental experience that I am having.
I know I am pregnant, and I know that this incubation requires a different pace, I know I need to be slow + soft, I know that I am more tired than I ever have been in my life. Today I feel enraged by it. Everything makes me so tired. I painted a room today, and that was the extent of my entire day, I was lucky I managed to make myself lunch, and the pooches were lucky to get 15 min in the sun. Today I am frustrated at how many plans I have to cancel, I am freaked out by the lack of self-knowing I am experiencing, and the abyss of what my future looks like. I am future tripping, forgetting the here and now, and feeling so unbelievably uncomfortable in my ever-expanding body. Pregnancy doesn't feel like a baby growing in the womb (whatever that sensation is 'supposed to feel like'), but more like I ate 15 giant burritos and am so full I can not breathe. I just feel bloated, and tired, and all I want to do is watch shows and eat chips.
Today that frustrates me.
Today I am overwhelmed by the pain in the world - I am worried about the bee's, and the food supply, and the damage that Monsanto does to our earth and the humans here. Today I am worried about addiction and my heart aches for those who have not found the gift of sobriety. I don't love the politics of our world, I fear the ignorance of the human race is going to be our downfall. I feel overwhelmed by racism, misogyny, the lack of a compost program in the city I live in, and my inability to garden + live off of the land. I worry that having a baby in an overpopulated world was an irresponsible choice, and I feel guilty bringing a child into a world that I truthfully barely trust myself.
What a rabbit hole of thinking.
I'm itchy today, I'm just generally uncomfortable in my life - for today. I feel a heaviness in my heart, and the tears are just on the brink. I feel guilty that I want to watch more Netflix... well, I don't 'want to' watch more, I feel more as though I have no power in me to do anything but that. I slept in today and I have been beating myself up about it all day long.
I'm at war with myself, obviously.
I think it's ok to feel this way. It's ok that these changes have me a little creeped out, it's ok that I feel more like I binged on burritos and less like there is a human in my womb. It's ok that left from right + up from down feels confusing, and it's ok that my heart feels 22 times too big for my body.
It's ok to feel it all.
it's time to breathe, to come back into the moment - to March 12, 2019 - and connect with the right here and right now. It's time to notice the sunflowers in my living room, the sounds of the pooches eating their dinner, and the lovely conversation I am having with my brother about fermentation + kraut making. Breathing. Noticing. Staying present. It's lighter out now that daylight savings has passed, and yesterday I got to hear the alien's heartbeat - I mean, it's not a burrito in there, it's a real human being. I'm 805 days sober, I get to witness some of the deepest magic I have ever seen in the recovery community in San Diego, and you know what?? I may not have the energy to make dinner, but I happened to get lucky enough to marry a man who is lovey and I think I'm going to ask him to BBQ some chicken. So much to breathe over, to feel grateful for, to ease into the hear + now.
Not liking today.
And that's ok.
only love, -k xoxo