2 2 w e e k s + 2 d a y s

It's been a few weeks since I've traversed the land of Instagram;

I've had lovely plated meals just to enjoy them for myself, I've seen the ocean and ran in the hot sun without broadcasting it to the world. I have freed up hours + hours of time from mindless scrolling and both unconsciously + consciously comparing my life to the perceived, photoshopped, highly edited + curated versions of another humans life.

Turns out I don't want to decorate my house all white + macrame like IG tells me is cool, turns out that without the constant bombardment of advertising I have other views, opinions, and desires.

Who knew!

My worth has not been measured in likes over these past few weeks, my sense of self is literally based on nothing more than how I feel day to day.

I miss writing + sharing, I do.

I don't miss the narcissistic component to it all.

Instagram is like monopoly money - it's not real, but hot damn does it ever feel real sometimes.

I don't miss the endless selfies, the fake newsfeed of a 'well-curated life', or this whole notion of self-appointed leadership, fame, and model-hood.

It's not all bad, not at all.

Some of my greatest healing has happened on that platform, all of my business was generated on that platform, and some truly wonderful connections were made in that virtual world.

Can I heal without it?

Who will read my words without it?

Can a business be run without it?

Am I willing to let go of the connections made?

I'm not sure.

I do miss the inspiration,

the raw truth,

and the selected human lives I enjoy witnessing.

I miss the small businesses, and the connection - or the perceived idea of connection - that IG offers.

I'm grateful af that that platform didn't exist when I was 15, I can say that without a shadow of a doubt, and I do wonder if I will regret what I have shared when I am 50 or 60 years old the same way I think I would have regret sharing my wildly ignorant ways of thinking when I was in my teens and early 20's. Thank the heavens that social media didn't exist then, wow! Our younger generation doesn't even know a world without social media, and I can not fathom that. I can not fathom jr.high or high school - a time that I already felt utter self-hatred, a total lack of self-esteem, and a definite feeling of being out-of-place - with the added pressures of social media.

Oh my god.

And now with a child en route, I wonder with even more intensity at the cost + benefits of sharing a life online, the impacts of social media, and what my kid will think when she is my age and reflecting on this very thing.

Do I raise a kid while showing their life on social media?

Is it appropriate to create content of this un-consenting human being on my own social media platforms, and what are my motives?

Do I create a hashtag for my child?

What's the implication of that?

We do not know the answers to many of these questions.

I am at a deep crossroads with Instagram and the little pocket of life I have built over there, perhaps writing on a blog or FB is sufficient, and even at that I sometimes wonder what's the point? I mean, for me, the writing + the sharing has been as key to my mental sanity as breathing air; but when does it cross over into dysfunction?

When does the very thing that fills me up backfire and begin to smother me?

Ramblings.

Reflections.

Somehow everything I thought I knew or believed in seems to be up in question at the moment.

Not sure what to think, or where to place my trust. It's all all-of-a-sudden in commotion, in the shift, in diametric movement.

And that's ok.

Nothing to be figured out tonight, just awareness.

That is all.

only love - k