It was a meltdown kind of day yesterday; the antibiotics, and the toothache, and the pain in my ear + jaw, the yeast infection, perpetual exhaustion, lack of motivation and will, inability to focus - yesterday it was too much.
I broke down,
the sky was falling,
or so it felt.
I wondered if this was a cruel punishment from the heavens, I wondered if I would ever return to a state of 'normalcy'. I balled. I wept. I obsessed over the yesterdays and fretted heavily over the tomorrow's. I could not see hope.
It felt like all was lost, it felt so big and so insurmountable.
And then the beautiful reminder came to me,
"kori, you know that this much fear is very self-centered, you know it's selfish, right?"
Ahhh, how true.
I was reminded yesterday - as I wiped tears from my face + simultaneously felt this baby kick inside my womb - that nothing stays forever, all things in are in constant motion, all things change. Today simple tasks (like making the bed) may seem wildly hard, impossible even. Today the couch may be my cradle, tylonal may be my superfood, and netflix may be my best friend. Today I may not be comfortable, I may not recognize myself, I may not like it. And that is ok, for today does not paint tomorrow; today has gifts that only today can give, even if it feels like a pile of shit.
I was reminded that my obsession of yesterday and 'what it was' was only serving me as a source of great pain, and further, that the only way through it was accepted into what is.
This is the pose I am supposed to be in, this is how it is meant to feel for me - if it wasn't, life wouldn't have me here feeling this way.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems. Yesterday my mind tripped me, I forgot gratitude, I forgot to lean in, to breathe, to pray for constant grace. My mind tripped me into the future, into the past, and straight into self-centered worry.
Today I am praying for grace. I am remembering that life is calling me inward, the work right now is slow, it's soft, it's the divine feminine. Today I am focused on gratitude - the baby that kicks in my womb, the antibiotics that are wiping out all bacteria in my body, the husband I have that offers unconditional support, the couch that has held me for 23 + weeks, the food in my fridge, the women in my life, my sobriety, my god, my willingness to hear hard truths.
Today I know for a fact that this is where I am meant to be.
Like it or not,
this is right for me right now.