I wish I could sit down here at 23 weeks + 2 days and record feelings of bliss, excitement, and awe; I wish I could say that parts of me enjoy being pregnant; I wish I could say with honesty that I am not frightened to look back on this experience with regret, but I can’t. That’s just my truth at the moment.
It’s amazing to feel the little baby alien in my womb move and even more interesting to see my stomach flinch and move from the outside - I mean, something it literally growing in my body, and that never ceases to alternate between amazing me and freaking me out.
I spent all of last week on the couch again - exhausted beyond any words I can possibly use to describe, my motivation is non-existent, I have the attention span of a 2-year-old, or maybe less. I have had some glorious tooth issues and dental work done which has left my tooth in pain and my ear/jaw in strange distress. I am not on a round of antibiotics for this possible infection which is gloriously wreaking havoc in other spots on my body.
I just don’t feel like myself.
I feel out of body, confused, mentally foggy, energetically depleted, and like the person I used to be has vacated the earth - never to return. I know there is an element of death of the maiden / birth of the mother, and I know that I will never be who I was before this experience; but I am also hoping with all my heart that parts of this are just the rise and rush of hormones causing my balance to be off kilter and wobbly.
I really am trying my very best to lean into this experience and in a lot of ways I feel like I am - I am resting a ton, moving slow, reading lots, breaking from social media, eating piles of fuel, drinking heaps of water, moving my body to the best of my ability - sometimes that's a workout or a run, other times it's just a roll on my roller and a small walk with the pooches - I am barefoot as much as I can, in nature, and focusing on getting to the beach. I talk to this babe daily, I focus on gratitude, and I am deeply interwoven into my recovery work as that is where I find the deepest moments of peace and connection right now.
But the truth about this is,
I really am. I’m finding daily tasks near impossible, I am totally freaked out at the onslaught of physical symptoms that have arisen in my body - so many appointments with my midwife, the doctor, the dentists. It feels like too much. This reality is frightening me and I feel myself in defense mode a lot of the time - overthinking, judging (myself + the world), disappointed that the script I had assumed life would be life isn't in fact what it is. I feel lost. It feels like a tall order and at times I wonder if I am tall enough for such big things.
And what I know to be true is that it is ok to feel the very things I am feeling. It is ok to feel lost, alone, frightened. I know how to move through this - breath, acceptance, surrender. I am tall enough, the order is not too big, it just feels overwhelming when I get ahead of myself. Just today, that’s the only focus.