I’m not sure what’s happening in my heart this past week, but I feel enormously tender, greatly in awe. I suppose a part of me feels grandly humbled by the finite nature of life - I’ve witnessed more than a few humans this past week lose loved ones - some were natural causes, some suicide related to addiction. I’ve seen humans who I care for flush their sobriety down the drain. It’s rattled me in a deep way - how come some of us ‘get it’ while others meet an early demise? What’s the golden ticket to a long healthy life? What does it take to get sober, to stay sober? It’s just so rare to get it, to keep it, to pass it on. I am reminded again and again of the quote, “But for the grace of God, there go I”; what does it take to live a long life, to remain sober, to stay connected to God consciousness?
I guess the golden ticket looks like luck, or whoever pulls the shortest straw, or maybe we could call it fate?
Regardless of what it is, or how we want to label it, I am deeply moved this past week at the gifts of my life, my sobriety, the psychic change I have experienced. Why me? I don’t know. Why that window of willingness December 22, 2016? I have no fucking clue. Why did my prayer change from a bargain with God to the three simple and most powerful words I have ever spoken, “God help me.”?
I can not answer it.
Why did I walk into the realm of sobriety and furthermore, why the hell did I stay? What did life hurt me more then than it ever has in those days, and why didn't I want to numb? What made me surrender? Why did I choose not to scratch the itch, why did I profess to grief to ‘take me, use me, ‘teach me’? I don’t know, I just really do not know. But I do know that I am here, I am sober, I am more connected to spirit than I ever have been, I am capable of love in a way I never knew possible.
My entire outlook has changed, I do not know how to explain it.
Today I feel gratitude, my heart feels tender, I feel blessed, and I feel deeply protective of that which has been freely given to me. I do not know what got me sober and I am fully aware that it is not a free pass, I know that this disease requires me to remain diligent on an every-single-day-level to keep it by passing it on, by remaining in the heard, attached to the work, and spiritually fit.
I have learned in these past 845 days that underlying the irritability, the anxiety that touches into my fingers + toes, the restless nature of my mind lays 1000 faces and forms of fear; and today one of my fears has been uprooted in a frightening way.
I’m beginning to fall deeply in love with this child that is growing in me, I can not explain it, but I can feel her soul, I can feel this energetic cord attaching between her being and my heart, and I’ll be honest, it's beginning to take my breath away. This feeling scares the shit out of me, this love is so intense and it feels like there is so much to lose once the love threshold has been crossed. Pregnancy has been a solid nightmare and the gift in it is that I have been able to remain gloriously unattached to the truth of what is happening, but today shifts have occurred and I feel a deep love for this babe - love like I do for my pooches, and the husband I get to love. It feels very intense to me. I don’t know if it’s the death of my brother, or the death of my father, or the simplicity of how my brain is wired - but this level of love freaks me right the fuck out. And it’s like a landslide that I can not stop - not that I want to stop it, or would if I could, but I also kind of do - it just can not be stopped.
Today I know that emotions can exist without ruling or dictating the actions of my life, I can feel fear and move forward anyway. I can love deeply even in the paralyzing fear of potentially losing it all. Today I do not have to live in that what if’s of tomorrow. Today I know that I can experience the intensity of gratitude, the wild sensation of fear, the breathtaking beauty of awe all at once. I know I can voice my truths and yet they do not have to rule my life, or shape my reality. I can exist as a changing, ever-evolving, morphing, moving human who moves through emotions and faces all of the fears head-on.
only love, - k