2 9 w e e k s + 3 d a y s

I’ve just got to sit here and write, I need to purge and get this - whatever ‘it’ is - off my chest.

My body feels like I am made of bricks, that are attached to balls and chains, that are tethered to the ground, and every single move I make feels exhausting. This morning I walked the pooches - a slow saunter - and the small act of bending over to clean up after them causes the sensation of burning lactic acid through my whole body as if I had just sprinted a 5km uphill. I can’t catch my breath, I’m burping stomach acid, I feel like showering is a daunting task. I feel such enormous guilt at the lack of fitness I have - I’ve never been so slow and so out of shape - and I know, I know, I know this is normal and, yes, I know, I know, I know to be kind and gentle on my self, but it is still fucking with my head.

I am really weepy today, super teary and filled with fear.

I feel like I am dying.

I feel like everything I have always been is no longer operating the way it always operated. My drive, my email response times, the number of pushups I can do, the loss of ability to hold space and coach others, the minuscule number of tasks I can accomplish in a day - all of it - gone. It's just withering away right before my very eyes. The bed needed making this morning, and honestly, it was too much, it just felt too complicated, and we do not even have sheets, just a big duvet, it couldn't be easier. But it was too much, and I am so tired, and that’s just the way it is right now.

I do not feel hormonally fucked anymore, for that I am so deeply grateful.

I feel like I am keenly grounded into a reality right now that is just simply uncomfortable.

There is a human growing in me. Life is changing in ways I can not fathom. It is normal to feel fear, to move slow + experience exhaustion, to question what the hell I am doing. These are all normal things, and yet, it’s still so shocking when ‘in it’, it still feels uncomfortable. Every day my belly gets bigger and kicks get stronger, and yes, I know this is the 'to be expected', but it's still so shocking to me, with each growth spurt I become more aware that there is a human being in there that will be earthside in less than 100 days, and that, that is some wild, fucking, crazy stuff.

It's expected.

But it's shocking, and hard to adjust too.

And that’s ok.

These are the moments that I am trying with all of my mite to surrender into what is, to hand my will over to the care of a higher power, to trust that this is, in fact, unfolding exactly as it should. I am busy over here filling my ‘god box’ (which is the size of a semi truck) with love notes of ‘you fucking take this shit from me’, and spewing out words on scrap paper, on the blog, on social media to just to catch a breath, a moment of peace. I’m eating muffins because that feels right today - maybe it's emotional, maybe it's physical, I don't know, but muffins are the right choice right now - and I am just trying so hard to give myself a break and rest; I feel too tired to ignore it, and yet that internal battle is such a loud force.

I am handing over the way I thought it should be, and I am trying hard to simply bare witness to the death that is happening. Because, this is a sort of death, that’s the truth. Deep inside of me I know that this death, this wildfire that burns my life down as I knew it will leave magical soil, and wide open space for the new and unfathomable to grow - I know this because I have lived this forest fire, I know the destruction, the surrender, and the rise - I have faith in this process. And yet, there are days, like today, that it’s taking every cell in my body to remain focused on the faith part and not to jump right into the fire and let it take me down with it.

I’m just going to let it burn,

all of it.

Today the fire has me frightened, hot, and filled with tears. I’m scared to death today. But I am here, allowing, witnessing, and feeling. I am here, in the heat of this transition, calling on the deepest faith I have, over + over again reminding myself that the universe is in charge and that yes, this is going to be more than ok.

only love, -k