3 0 w e e k s

Hello baby,

Today you are 30 weeks old, your head is facing down, you move a whole lot, you seem to growing as per schedule, and we have renamed you “Wolverine” because I am pretty sure your hands and feet are made of razor blades based on your fierce and feisty punches to my innards. You have a powerful heartbeat, it’s rhythmic, forceful, intentional - there is nothing meek about you, sweet human.

Having you in my womb has brought up an enormous amount of emotion and I am going to be honest with you, I am scared to death - scared to fucking death - that you will be born into this world and you will feel the pain I felt growing up. I feel paralyzed in it these days, totally overwhelmed by it. I’m scared I will fail you, I’m worried sick that your heart will ache the way mine did. I think the closer we get to our meeting date, the more worried I feel, it’s resting like heavy bricks upon my heart.

So I wanted to make week 30 all about some promises I have for you.

Honestly, I have no idea how to be a Mother - the sheer thought of it  makes me squirm - there are many days I imagine us skipping the whole ‘you calling me Mum thing’, and just leaving it at a simple ‘kori’ - parts of this truly have my heart racing in discomfort. I have no road map for this whole Motherhood thing, but I do know that I have learned a thing or two about self-care along the way, I have developed a few strategies to remain self-loyal, and I have become a fierce protectoress of space holding for humans on their human path.  

What I know for sure, is that you have a picked a woman to Mother you who will hold the fiercest space you could ever imagine to blossom into exactly who you are meant to be.

I promise that I will always listen to you, I promise I will hear you, I will hold space for you, and I will not make assumptions on your feelings. I promise you that on the days when I do not understand your human journey, I will become curious and I will ask - I will never tell you how to feel, I will never ever suggest that you “see it more positively”, I will always allow you to unfold in the emotional depths that your soul needs too. I promise you that no matter how hard human’ing may get, your darkness will never scare me, your human depths will not cause me to look the other way.

I promise you that our home will be a safe space; I promise that you will always feel comforted here - even on the days where it’s hard and we may be at each other's throats - you will always know that this is home, and it will never, ever feel anything but safe for you.

I will not force you to believe things you are not comfortable believing in - you can grow, blossom + choose for yourself what best enables your own expression - it does not have to mimic my views. I will always support your causes, your voice matters, your passions matter, and I will be here to cheerlead you on.

I fiercely promise to always uphold my own self-care - I will teach you self-love by demonstrating it, I will show you what a self-loyal, sober woman in recovery looks like. I will place my self-care at the top of my priority list so that I always have the right amounts of love to give to you. You will not see me martyr my way through this existence and run on an empty tank. You will learn - because I will show you via my actions - that self comes 1st, self-care is a non-negotiable.

I promise to hold space as we do on the playa: radical self-expression.

I promise to live via the principles I learn walking the path of sobriety: surrender, trust, a day at a time.

I will do my very best to be the Mother that you need, I will keep my side of the street clean, I will focus with diligence on my own self-care, and I will be fierce in space holding for you to simply unfold exactly the way your soul is meant too.

I am excited to meet you, to learn from you, to give you all that my soul is meant to give you.  I’m looking forward to dancing this human path with you, to earning your trust + respect, and to always making you feel heard + seen.

You are such a fierce teacher for me, I am already so grateful for you.

Love Always,

Your Fierce Mama Bear