We just got home from a week in Palm Springs, it was glorious, a week straight of soaking up sun rays + laying in the pool. I had no idea how magnificent water feels to a pregnant body that feels as though it is about to burst in half; no pain, no weight, no torture of gravity - heaven.on.earth.
As hard as this has all been, I am really beginning to see the sacred nature of this giant undoing. This whole process, since sperm + egg made contact, has been nothing short of a massive and out-of-control landslide carrying me into the depths of the underworld. I have never been more scared of my sanity not returning; this is likely because before this I never knew what content happiness felt like, but at this stage in my life I have been gifted a small window of mental stability (called sobriety) and that stability, that sanity has been such a beautiful and illuminating gift. Pregnancy smashed that sanity to a bazillion pieces and I fell apart, I became plagued with worry I would never get it back.
32 weeks in I am beginning to see that this descent into the underworld is less of a loss of sanity and more the beginning of what is to become a profound initiation + catapult into a dimension that I can not yet fathom. I am not losing my mind, as I thought, I am breaking open at the very seams in order for life to infuse my cells with the appropriate ingredients for this next level of soul expansion that is to take place. It's a rearrangement on the most basic of levels, this experience is changing my very core.
It still hurts, but today I feel an enormous amount of hope.
The call I feel towards magic today is indescribable, I want nothing more than to climb up + into the heavens, find that long-white-haired old crone and commune with her infinite wisdom as she cradles me through this tumultuous time. I want to feel her embrace, I want to hear her whisper her delightful guidance in my ears, I want her touch, her magic, her spark of unwavering faith.
Today I am desiring to cut the painful chords of energies that are blocking the sunlight of spirit; I am ready, as hard as it is, to say goodbye to what was. I am hyper-focused on honing in and creating the sacred right here in my own life, in our teeny tiny growing family, the drive is instinctual, it is not something that I am capable of ignoring or denying; I'm surrendering to the mystery of it all.
I've been lighting candles and palo santo here in our home, cleaning corners of dust + energies, bowing tenderly on my knees in pure reverence for the enormity of this highly sacred time.
I went out and collected muffin making supplies so that I can stockpile a freezer full of my aunts delicious muffins for the 4 trimesters when we welcome a new life into our home - alas, grocery shopping exhausted me and I will have to nap before the food prep begins, but that's ok, this is a time for ultra slow living.
I feel the darkness raging.
I feel the past flooding me, haunting me, reminding me. I remember old love, old wounds, old stuff from childhood. I feel it all, I remember it all, I can not put it to sleep. And so, I'm riding it out - witnessing it, holding it, letting it go. I am reaching to my healing modalities - recovery work, therapy, writing. I'm crying. I'm raging. I'm diligently allowing all feels to digest, to move, to be seen + heard + felt. I'm not sure if this is 'normal' for pregnancy, but it is my 'normal', and so I am here + honoring it.
I am scared to death, to be wholeheartedly honest. I am scared of losing myself, scared of birthing this human, scared shitless of what the hell Motherhood is going to look like. I'm terrified of postpartum depression - I know it doesn't happen to everyone, and I know, I know, I should 'think positive', but with my mental health history + the way pregnancy has been, I can not help but be apprehensive about what the hormonal swing + life adjustments in postpartum will bring - and so, I pray. I pray for guidance, I pray for divine will, I pray to stay in today. I am preparing for a sacred 4th trimester, I feel ready to surrender into whatever life hands us.
I know with all of my being that as long as I continue to surrender my soul to my highest power, and as long as I remain present to what shows up, I will be ok. I know this with every beat my heart has ever taken.
Amongst all of the shadow work in this dark underworld, I feel a palatable call to magic, I feel divinity lurking around every corner, I can see the gems of what will soon be a beautiful ascension all over the place. I feel guided, taken care of, and supported by the heavens. I do not feel alone because my connection to my higher power is on fire at the moment. I can hear her, I can hear her call, I can feel her demand for the slowing down, the quieting, the nesting. I can sense divinity as I plummet into this uncharted territory of the underworld, and it truly is so beautiful.
So here we are, less than 8 weeks until the 'due date' for baby aliens arrival earthside.
Here we are, filled with a myriad of emotions.
Here we are in limbo land of what is to come but what is also no longer - what a magical + bizarre place to reside.
Here we are, babe in the womb, dancing, in prayer, filled with a deep reverence for the unfathomable magnitude of what this all is.
And so it is.
only love, - k xo