There are 9 weeks + 4 days left to go until this baby human is due earthside.
I feel pretty bad that I am excited for this to be over, the guilt I feel is just enormous, it takes my breath away a lot of the time. I have been diligent about being honest about this journey and all of its dark twisty turns and yet, parts of me feel ashamed at how dark it's been, am I just a 'Negative Nancy' (I don't know how Nancy got stuck being the negative one, why not 'Negative Nate', or 'Negative Norman', sorry Nancy) and missing all the good? Is the baby in me absorbing all of these dark frequencies? Have I set her up in a womb of terror?
I’ve never felt such huge guilt + shame in all my life, I don’t even know where it’s coming from - probably from the little gremlins knowns as hormones that love black magic and dark tales of mind fuckery.
Yesterday I laid in my bed with Merlot - the dog, not the wine - cuddling him so tight and whaling in uncontrollable tears at the death I imagined was going to occur for him next week; yes, you read that right: I was in my bed with my fully-alive-definitely-healthy-pooch mourning his death that was to occur next week - it felt so real, I hated that he was gone, but he was right in my arms.
I am obviously losing my mind.
My ragingly high pregnancy libido has dropped - out of nowhere - to zero, and I am pretty convinced that due to my lack of sexual interest that my whole marriage will come crumbling to the ground. I have a loving husband who has been nothing but supportive and we have wildly healthy communication, so he knows exactly what's going on with me, and he assures me day after day that he won't leave because I'm not horny like a rabbit, but no amount of kind words + support have me convinced. He is going to leave and likely he will take the dogs with him, or call "child welfare", but for dogs, "dog welfare" because I am a bad pooch Mum and I do not walk them enough, they are deprived + miserable and it’s obviously all my fault. Reality: they get walked daily, I am home to cuddle them + entertain them all hours of the day, they eat an organic raw diet, they have piles of toys, and the pooch park they visit is now on.the.ocean - it’s a beach pooch park - they live the fucking dream life - but it somehow feels like it’s not enough.
Yep, mind loss.
I went for lunch the other day with a couple of friends and when I came back to my car it was gone, well it wasn't gone, it was just on a street I swear to the sweet heavens I didn't leave it on, with a ticket on the windshield to boot. I know for a fact I left it down the other road, I always leave it down that other road, why would Tuesday have been any different? But no one broke into my car to move it to a 2-hour parking zone to play a trick on me, I left it in that very spot and I just seem to have been overtaken by pregnancy brain and I have no recollection of leaving it there.
Sometimes I wonder if I will birth this child and then just remain mentally fucked up for all of eternity amen.
I can't see my vagina anymore, I despise to my very core being touched right now, I'm energetically dead, my libido is gone, and my thinking has taken a deep plummet into pure insanity. I'm not gaining weight as they want me too - although the baby is growing as per her expected quota (obviously from robbing all nutrient stores and life force from me! What a smart thing you are, Mother Nature), and it turns out that I have developed 'diastasis recti', or a split in my abdominals, so that will be a fun healing journey. I feel guilty for everything, every.single.choice that has to do with parenting or mothering feels earth-shattering, paralyzing, and far too complex for a human like me to be able to solve - when did life become such a riddle? I'm not good at math, or riddles, and I didn't sign up for this crap. Also, I puke in my mouth a lot now, I guess that's what happens when a stomach gets squashed into a ribcage by a growing uterus and the host, or I mean, mother of the baby experiences 'acid reflux'.
Some people actually have a baby to 'save a relationship', that's a real thing that I hear people do. I just gotta tell ya - that's a bad fuckin' idea. Your partner is going to witness the highest and lowest of emotional extremes for you, they will have to talk you off the edge when you are mourning the loss of your still-alive-dog, calm you down when you get parking tickets - that they obviously won't be happy about either, but dare they say it, heads will be severed - shave bits and pieces of your body that you can no longer see, and likely - if you are water birthing at home - catch your poop in a fish net. Any pride I had left is burning down in a pile of seething death in the backyard.
This shit is not glamour, people.
But, I hear the baby makes it all worth it.
But then again, you people tell me a lot of crap I'm not so sure about these days.
I don't know who to trust anymore.
I do feel like a winner though right now because I am not dead tired like I was a week ago, my body is just a mere 'normal-fuck-me-tired'; I do not feel like gravity has a vendetta for me, or what my feet are glued to the earth, or that my body is made of bricks. I still feel like the walk around the block is a little long + unfair, but it's not like mount Everest anymore and that's a win, I'm counting all wins.
I really feel seen by midwife, I am working hard at my recovery with support from my sponsor, and I am diving deep into surrender. I have officially reached out to my therapist, and I am laughing at this chaos as much as I can. I can not control this, or life, or any outcomes at all, my only job is to sit in the here and now and do the very best I can at letting go, self-caring, and handing my will to my higher power. I'm on new supplements, which is making a massive difference, and I am forcing myself to eat (even more) food + drink more water. I relish in the glory + excitement that the man I love has to meet this tiny human, I love that he is so keenly interested in touching my belly so he can gain assess to her, and I am grateful that he has the emotional capacity to a) handle me and b) be excited for the both of us, because right now I am mostly just looking forward to pregnancy being over, feeling guilty for feeling that way, feeling terrified of becoming a mother, and feeling guilty about that also.
All in all, I think we are right on track.
only love, - k